I was born in an ordinary small county town in central China, where I have four siblings and am the youngest. The children in our family come from different mothers, and only my older sister is close to my age. To provide better educational resources for the two of us, we moved to the nearest city, Luoyang. During the era of the one-child policy, each family was allowed only one child. Perhaps to cater to the traditional preference for boys over girls at that time, a family could have a second child if the first was a girl, which is why I was born.
My memories before the age of six are very vague. The earliest clear memory I have is of feeling alone and helpless at five years old, following behind my parents. It’s common for the earliest memories at this age to be negative. Another vivid memory is from first grade, when I cried in the classroom without my mother’s company. I was one of the youngest students in the class, in an era when there were no strict age requirements for school entry.
Looking back, my primary school years were generally happy and carefree. I wasn’t an outstanding student, never the “other people’s child” that teachers held up as an example. My biggest worries were being scolded by the teacher for not doing homework or having to attend tutoring classes after school. I had a few close friends then, with whom I’ve since lost contact; perhaps they’ve all started new and varied lives. I also experienced school bullying and witnessed domestic violence. It was the companionship of good friends and my mother that helped me through those times.
My middle school years were a period of self-discovery that I look back on fondly and wish I could experience again. I felt sexual attraction for the first time, had the first close friendship that lasted for years, traveled abroad for the first time, and experienced my first existential crisis about death. School was exciting, with new subjects to systematically learn, all waiting to be explored. Of course, I also recall numerous embarrassing moments from this period, which I wish I could erase from my memory.
High school was traumatic. The first year was still filled with the joy of learning new things and making new friends, but the pressure of preparing for the college entrance exam (Gaokao, similar to SAT) starting in the second year overwhelmed me. I struggled to maintain interest in all subjects, which didn’t bode well for standardized tests. Meanwhile, as the one-child policy ended, my parents decided to have another child, a brother ten years younger than me. An unprecedented conflict erupted within the family when my mother’s postpartum depression collided with past issues. The combination of family breakdown and academic stress left me constantly questioning, “Who am I?” and many of my past aspirations shattered.
The Gaokao is so crucial in China, a single exam that can determine decades of your future. In the New Year before the Gaokao, I decided to give up on it and study abroad. Life experiences prompted me to reflect on thinking and behavior, wondering what thinking ability really is. I had the opportunity to go abroad and study subjects of interest, for which I’m especially grateful to my family for their understanding and support. My last year of high school was spent in uncertainty about the future.
The start of my college life coincided with the black swan event of the COVID-19 pandemic. I had to stay in China during my first year and went to the United States just before the Delta variant outbreak in 2021. My second year was also spent masked, with early college courses mostly being general education classes, leaving me few credits to choose subjects I was interested in. During these two years, I adapted to a new culture and learned about psychology. I finally had my own space to rebuild the future and life I wanted. After gaining a deeper understanding of my areas of interest, I decided to actively engage in academic research, starting with basic data collection in a research group during the summer of my junior year.
As of early 2024, my life is still very uncertain. I am trying to find a job that allows me to stay in academia, while also considering other possibilities. My first two decades were full of exploration, and I hope to continue challenging myself in the future.